So, lately, I once again find myself in an unhealthy mental state when it comes to my feelings of self-worth. I went to see a therapist twice about 2 months ago, and the fact that she didn't remember me in the 2nd session, then made no attempt to email me to set up another appointment (the computer system was down) leads me to think maybe it wasn't the right match. In our first session, we talked about my cyclical thinking and the ongoing, downward spiral battle of emotional brain vs. logical brain. Triggering event----> "that upset me" ----> "it was so insignificant, why did it upset you? that's stupid"---->"but it still upset me"-----> "it's so ridiculous that it upset you this much. You obviously took it the wrong way. Come on, pull yourself out of this ridiculousness"-----> "my feelings are NOT ridiculous!! I'M UPSET!! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!! DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?!?!" ------> "Then STOP FEELING THAT WAY!!!" ....and round and round the downward spiral we go...
She had me do an exercise based on REBT about identifying the unhealthy thought, if there was any basis for it, why is it not true, what I can replace unhealthy self-talk with...in the "why is it not true" section, I said that I have great family and friends and people who like me, so if the negative self-talk was true, I probably wouldn't have that support system. Her response was that it's a great thing to have a strong support system, but I'm still looking outside of myself for a measure of my self-worth...
On 2nd thought, maybe I should go back to her because she's right on the money. I allow external validation, or the lack thereof, to color my self-worth. If someone compliments me or includes me in something, or if I have a great group, or co-workers give me praise, I feel like I'm on top of the world. However, if a group goes bad, or if I feel like my opinion isn't valued, or if I'm left out of something, or (it feels like) everyone receives a compliment except for me when I've obviously put a lot of effort into my appearance, my self-esteem plummets. And I'm not really sure what to do with that besides acknowledge it & be aware of it.
I know where it comes from. As far back as I can remember, I was always the 3rd wheel friend. The one kids came to when they were mad at the other friend in our group, but when they made up, I was always the one left out. I can remember, with vivid clarity, the beginning of my 1st grade year. When I was in kindergarten, I had a best friend. We didn't see each other over the summer, and on the first day of first grade, I was so excited to see her again...until she and another girl ran towards each other on the playground yelling, "Hey, best friend!!!" then went off to play together.
I don't know that I've ever felt like I've fit in anywhere or with any group of people. Sometimes, I'm able to attribute that to the fact that my personality is 1% of the population, so of course I'm going to feel left out a lot of times if there's only 1% of the population who can relate to the way I think and/or feel. But that's why external validation is so important to me. When you've had to try to convince yourself that you're better off enjoying your own company when you've been left out of a social gathering for what feels like the millionth time, then when you are included, that must mean that people do value you, so you can in turn value yourself.
But how do you internalize that? Granted, it also doesn't help right now that I'm struggling with my weight, I can't seem to get ahead when it comes to finances, and when I look at my kids on their kindles while I veg out watching Gilmore Girls to recover from each day, I feel like I fail as a mom because I'm not doing more interactive things with them. Add on to that not feeling understood as a clinician, and you have the perfect storm of insecurity and self-doubt caused by continuing to seek external validation.
So, now I'm aware of it...how do I go about fixing it?
