Self-awareness with no solution

       So, lately, I once again find myself in an unhealthy mental state when it comes to my feelings of self-worth. I went to see a therapist twice about 2 months ago, and the fact that she didn't remember me in the 2nd session, then made no attempt to email me to set up another appointment (the computer system was down) leads me to think maybe it wasn't the right match. In our first session, we talked about my cyclical thinking and the ongoing, downward spiral battle of emotional brain vs. logical brain. Triggering event----> "that upset me" ----> "it was so insignificant, why did it upset you? that's stupid"---->"but it still upset me"-----> "it's so ridiculous that it upset you this much. You obviously took it the wrong way. Come on, pull yourself out of this ridiculousness"-----> "my feelings are NOT ridiculous!! I'M UPSET!! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!! DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?!?!" ------> "Then STOP FEELING THAT WAY!!!" ....and round and round the downward spiral we go...
          She had me do an exercise based on REBT about identifying the unhealthy thought, if there was any basis for it, why is it not true, what I can replace unhealthy self-talk with...in the "why is it not true" section, I said that I have great family and friends and people who like me, so if the negative self-talk was true, I probably wouldn't have that support system. Her response was that it's a great thing to have a strong support system, but I'm still looking outside of myself for a measure of my self-worth...


            On 2nd thought, maybe I should go back to her because she's right on the money. I allow external validation, or the lack thereof, to color my self-worth. If someone compliments me or includes me in something, or if I have a great group, or co-workers give me praise, I feel like I'm on top of the world. However, if a group goes bad, or if I feel like my opinion isn't valued, or if I'm left out of something, or (it feels like) everyone receives a compliment except for me when I've obviously put a lot of effort into my appearance, my self-esteem plummets. And I'm not really sure what to do with that besides acknowledge it & be aware of it.
            I know where it comes from. As far back as I can remember, I was always the 3rd wheel friend. The one kids came to when they were mad at the other friend in our group, but when they made up, I was always the one left out. I can remember, with vivid clarity, the beginning of my 1st grade year. When I was in kindergarten, I had a best friend. We didn't see each other over the summer, and on the first day of first grade, I was so excited to see her again...until she and another girl ran towards each other on the playground yelling, "Hey, best friend!!!" then went off to play together.
             I don't know that I've ever felt like I've fit in anywhere or with any group of people. Sometimes, I'm able to attribute that to the fact that my personality is 1% of the population, so of course I'm going to feel left out a lot of times if there's only 1% of the population who can relate to the way I think and/or feel. But that's why external validation is so important to me. When you've had to try to convince yourself that you're better off enjoying your own company when you've been left out of a social gathering for what feels like the millionth time, then when you are included, that must mean that people do value you, so you can in turn value yourself.
            But how do you internalize that? Granted, it also doesn't help right now that I'm struggling with my weight, I can't seem to get ahead when it comes to finances, and when I look at my kids on their kindles while I veg out watching Gilmore Girls to recover from each day, I feel like I fail as a mom because I'm not doing more interactive things with them. Add on to that not feeling understood as a clinician, and you have the perfect storm of insecurity and self-doubt caused by continuing to seek external validation.


So, now I'm aware of it...how do I go about fixing it?

Today

To say today was busy is a gross understatement. From work training to special activities to 2 church services & an individual music therapy session, not to mention family & Valentine’s Day on top of all of that, and all I want to do is fall into bed for the next 24 hours. It was in the busiest moments of the day that I heard about the latest school shooting, this time in South Florida. I didn’t have much time to do anything but think, “Wow, another one...that really sucks,” and then it was time to continue with everything else of the day...until I listened to the sermon at my church’s evening Ash Wednesday service. The message was bold and necessary: we MUST do better. This is the 30th mass shooting this year, & it’s only the middle of February. 

We MUST do better.

There are those who would say that stricter gun control laws would just take rights away from responsible gun owners & put them in the hands of criminals. There are those who are terrified that if a few extra regulations are passed, it will be the beginning of losing all their guns. There are those who say the mass shootings aren’t a “gun control” problem, they’re a “heart” problem. Or “we don’t need more gun control, we need more money for mental health services.” 

Which I agree with 100%, but that’s another topic for another time. 

Almost 8 years ago, I lost a son to natural causes that likely couldn’t have been prevented, but how many parents have had to bury their children as a result of these shootings? How many of those deaths could’ve been prevented if only we the people or the Congress people we elected would do SOMEthing or offer something even resembling an idea towards a solution? 

We MUST do better.

Offering thoughts & prayers without action is remaining complicit in the face of potentially preventable tragedies. Offering thoughts & prayers without action is officially insensitive & insulting. Offering thoughts & prayers without action is bullshit. 

We MUST do better

I completed one of our required annual trainings this morning, & the man doing the training gave a hypothetical example that had one outcome when if someone had done something differently, it could’ve potentially changed the outcome of the entire situation. How can we say “this or that wouldn’t work” when we’ve never even tried it? And isn’t it worth trying to do SOMEthing for the possibility that the outcome wouldn’t be yet another mass shooting?

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and over again but expecting different results. 

As a country, that’s exactly what we do. There’s a mass shooting followed by grief, sadness, outrage, anger, and we look on in horror & try to begin a conversation of “what can we do?” Then every idea that might be brought to the table of discussion is shot down. And something else happens in the world or with our government that takes our attention, & unless we’re one of the ones personally affected, we slowly but surely shift our focus and forget. Until it happens all over again. Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over and over again. 

We MUST do better

Inner struggles

Anyone who has known me for any length of time on a deeper than superficial level knows that I've been searching for myself & a place where I belong since I was around 11. Twenty-four & a half years later, I would love to be able to say I've found both of those things. However... There are days, at least, when I feel I'm closer to those things, & other days I feel I'll never find either one. 

Growing up, I was almost always the friend who was left out. I might've had best friends, but they always had other best friends. In a trio of friends, I was the one "on call." If the friends were fighting, I was brought in, but when they weren't, I was the odd man out. That's one thing that time has not changed. I'm still the afterthought, still the add on friend instead of the primary friend.

After I started playing for a church & had kids, & our social circle started to expand, we would occasionally but rarely be invited to Morganton events. So I figured that was probably because we lived 20 miles away, & it would be so much easier to socialize & set up play dates if we lived in Morganton. And, 10 months after moving to Morganton, here we are...still occasionally but rarely being invited to socialize with any social circles we're on the periphery of or for play dates. 

So I throw myself into work, classes, kids, exercise, etc. in an effort to fight against the feelings that come with being unintentionally excluded. Then I see pictures on social media of people I consider friends at an event where I would've loved to hang out, or of people who have kids the same age as mine having a play date or at a birthday party, & I'm emotionally right back in that place where I was when I was growing up. 

What makes it even worse is when I see the same thing happening to Brenna. On the weekends when I suggest playing outside to her, & her response is, "But who am I gonna play with?" Or when she comes home & tells me her two best friends have decided to be best friends with each other & not her. It takes me right back to when I was about her age & brings back all those feelings of not being good enough or fun enough to be the real best friend. 

And so, on the better days, I continue to search & hope for a place & community of belonging somewhere. On the worse days, I wonder if a place like that even exists, or if I'm destined to continue looking for the rest of my life...