Inner struggles

Anyone who has known me for any length of time on a deeper than superficial level knows that I've been searching for myself & a place where I belong since I was around 11. Twenty-four & a half years later, I would love to be able to say I've found both of those things. However... There are days, at least, when I feel I'm closer to those things, & other days I feel I'll never find either one. 

Growing up, I was almost always the friend who was left out. I might've had best friends, but they always had other best friends. In a trio of friends, I was the one "on call." If the friends were fighting, I was brought in, but when they weren't, I was the odd man out. That's one thing that time has not changed. I'm still the afterthought, still the add on friend instead of the primary friend.

After I started playing for a church & had kids, & our social circle started to expand, we would occasionally but rarely be invited to Morganton events. So I figured that was probably because we lived 20 miles away, & it would be so much easier to socialize & set up play dates if we lived in Morganton. And, 10 months after moving to Morganton, here we are...still occasionally but rarely being invited to socialize with any social circles we're on the periphery of or for play dates. 

So I throw myself into work, classes, kids, exercise, etc. in an effort to fight against the feelings that come with being unintentionally excluded. Then I see pictures on social media of people I consider friends at an event where I would've loved to hang out, or of people who have kids the same age as mine having a play date or at a birthday party, & I'm emotionally right back in that place where I was when I was growing up. 

What makes it even worse is when I see the same thing happening to Brenna. On the weekends when I suggest playing outside to her, & her response is, "But who am I gonna play with?" Or when she comes home & tells me her two best friends have decided to be best friends with each other & not her. It takes me right back to when I was about her age & brings back all those feelings of not being good enough or fun enough to be the real best friend. 

And so, on the better days, I continue to search & hope for a place & community of belonging somewhere. On the worse days, I wonder if a place like that even exists, or if I'm destined to continue looking for the rest of my life...